Thoughts from Bird by Bird, by Anne Lamott, which today have caused me to pause and think:

"The Gulf stream will flow through a straw provided the straw is aligned to the Gulf Stream, and not at cross purposes with it."

"How alive am I willing to be?"

Food for thought on a day when I am once again seemingly sabotaging my own success.

I had been given an opportunity to fly to LA on Friday for a screeing of a family film opening in January. Apparently the studio is pushing the family aspect so everyone can bring a child - even though mine is 19 years old. All expenses paid. Super fab hotel. 70 degree weather.

My dilemma is that my darling husband has been in intense pain for the past month, and may need surgery. I wanted to wait to see if they could get him in this week. He said he's fine (he's been going to work every day, for heavens sake). He added that since this is going to be a lean Christmas, this free press junket might be the most exciting thing we do this holiday.

Of course, that was really only the surface excuse. My real excuses for not going ranged from concerns about looking like an idiot at my first major press junket, to concerns over who will let the dog out while David's at work, to worry about whether or not the pressure in the airplane cabin might cause my heart to explode in mid-air.

In the end, I called my friend Gail Hayes, my outspoken voice of reason. Because she loves me she basically told me to pull myself together and go to LA, because she thinks I need to get out of the house and enjoy the fact that someone thinks I'm good at what I do. She also said Cassie and I would have the times of our lives, even it was only for 24 hours.

Ah, what would I do without my security blanket of fear, and good friends willing to hold it for me once in a while so I can get out into the real world and take a breath of fresh air.

I was reminded today why I spend most of my time sequestered in my house with my pets. My dog never goes back and tells the cat what I've said about her, and she never questions my integrity.

When dealing with the outside world, your actions (however pure or noble in intent) will almost always come back to bite you in the ass.

The thing that's important when you're writing about life, is to make sure you're living life.

Earlier in the year, when I was out and about and traveling, it was easy to write about experiences at conferences, interesting people I'd met, and people who touched my life (like the soldier in the Dayton airport).

But for the past several months, I've been chained to my PC, trying to get my syndicated music column up and running. Problem is, that that means I spend all day listening to CDs, surfing the web looking for music news, and rehashing press releases. My contact with actual humans was limited to an occasional telephone interview, visits to the grocery store and telemarketers.

About a month ago, I decided to make some changes.

First, I've been hired to manage the rock band Elektromat. I get to couple my love of local music with actual human interaction, even if it is via telephone. I also get to meet in person for coffee and smoothies with some great musicians who make me laugh and make me feel useful.

I've also been doing publicity for two local acts, The Dig Project and Mike Zale, who have become friends. In addition, I've been spending time at The Illuminata Recording Studio, helping out occasionally with a show or going down to Dansville to clean and do other Cinderella chores or just hang out.

All of which means that I haven't been doing much writing. I'm not talking about those articles I write for the newspapers, or artist bios, or press releases, or even the music column. I'm still doing those. I'm talking about editorials and essays, real writing, creative writing, expressive writing. I miss that kind of writing - even blogging, for heaven's sake.

And so I end the year with some decisions to make: what do I cut out in order to make room for what I really want to do? Do I even need to cut something out, or make better use of my time?

I think my first decision is to get rid of the music column. I feel great relief to actually think about not writing reviews, or rehashing press fluff. But at the same time, I'm going to miss the free CDs, the press credentials at GMA and the hobnobbing with up and coming artists. I'd hoped to be able to keep the column by having other writers doing the reviews but it's been difficult coordinating that because I can't pay. And in the end, perhaps letting go of that column has to happen so I can move on to something else. I mean, managing the band is putting me in a different music arena, one I'm not necessarily familiar with but I'm eager to learn about just the same.

Anyway, the goal here is to streamline my music involvement: manage Elektromat, do pr for Mike and DIG, and then leave the writing to what I love - commentary on life. I have so many essay ideas (like why you can legally cook hotdogs in your car but not talk on your cell phone) and I'd like to start 2005 in that direction.

So I take an untravelled detour off the path, to more music industry involvement instead of just writing about it, and more involvement in life and writing about it.